| cannot sleep |
[10 Dec 2007|11:36pm] |
Lack of sleep. After laying in bed for hours trying to shut down sectors of the brain that keep me awake, the opposite would often occur. The brain refuses to cease its activity, often looping catchy rhythms or flashes of memories from the past. I try to blank it out by listening to the ambient sounds around me - the flow of the air conditioning, the breathing - but the rhythms refuse to disappear, like a film of oil on unwashed utensils.
This continues into the early hours of the morning. Because of so much silence in the air, the sense of hearing widens in scope (rivaling an animal) and mindfulness arising from it detects the most minute of sounds. The lone car engine whizzing by, a pack of stray dogs kilometers away. Panic escalates in knowing that I AM STILL CONSCIOUS NOT IN A DREAM AND IT WILL BE MORNING SOON, WHEN NORMAL PEOPLE WAKE UP STRETCHING AND SMILING TO THEMSELVES WHILE THEY SLIP INTO LYCRA EXERCISE GEAR AND JOG AROUND FIELDS WITH BIRDS FLYING AROUND.
I lay around and switch positions more, guessing what time it is. There is the constant anxiety of the Muslim prayers suddenly booming from the mosque nearby, signaling my failure to fall sleep before 6am. Sometimes, it happens, like someone blowing cigarette smoke into your face after you walk out from a spa: ALLAH AKHBAR ALLAH AKHBAR and so on, in often terrible singing voices, not as polished as the prayer voice delivered on national television.
So everything else follows suit. The chirping, the kitchen noises, and the blinding light through the windows. Somehow all that relaxes me and so finally the shut down is for real!
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[30 Sep 2007|01:44am] |
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revisiting PD with rebecca
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| teal curtains |
[20 Sep 2007|03:23am] |
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tied hair and glasses, xu and funny smile
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| post about driving and about the rural area |
[25 Jul 2007|12:04am] |
there isn't much to do without a job this week but to find people to sit with, drive around with. judging from the metering system i have driven perhaps 300 kilometres these past few days, my eyes get watery from staring at the roads so much. they say the journey is what matters but on KL roads this isn't the case - too much traffic jams and bad parking spaces but it's tolerable when there is conversation about things that matter to us. the destinations give me much rest, space to swing my arms and enough ground to kick my legs around, bone-loosening. sometimes friends would pop in a cd they made, and everything moving in front of me would again look like a long-winded shot in a movie.
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i drove my parents down to my grandmother's town today and had my teeth checked. the dentist woman wore a white head dress and had the surgical apron (? ) tied loosely over a red floral batik number. i was anticipating the nice grinding feeling made by the teeth cleaning utensils but i guess i brushed too hard in the morning (i wanted to impress the dentist that way) - she my teeth were fine and needed no cleaning. i only had to pay RM1 for the check-up.
for the first time in months i got to see the blue shapes of rainforestted hills, today spanning the panoramic space of the health clinic's parking lot.
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the grandmother gathered a bunch of durians and my father pried them open with only his bare hands. the scent of it wouldn't wash off. my grandmother insisted i rub salt on the surface of an empty durian shell and then drink water from it - it cures heatyness she says. the surface of the cup was waxy like styrofoam. when i poured water into it, it made a sort of pearly bubble effect. i don't know how to explain the look, or why i am even mentioning it. i was in a half wooden home, surrounded by vegetable plantations and cages of magpies, and i was drinking salt water from a cup made out of the inner linings of a fruit that resembles a medieval weapon.
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later on i went birdwatching. the birds were unfamiliar, the sounds they made were different, and they perch on sugarcanes instead of electricity poles. white fungus grew from the sides of dried tree trunks, like a decorative ruffle on a sleeve. my grandmother started to chop down bunches of unripe banana. later my mother joined her, like forest people, picking leaves, slapping insects.
i went inside to lay on a wooden bench and fell asleep. in a week, i will have to start working again, endless office cubicles. type, kerning, sans-serif, tension, flow.
here is a photo of me and a friend, bored after a lovely housewarming at The Apartment:
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[27 Jun 2007|12:30am] |
We walk up the stairs together at the back of the shop lot, enter through the back door. There is much darkness involved, moving without a sound – the secret visitor. He leaves using the same entrance. I wave him off, door still open.
As he disappears down some steps, the blind ginger coloured cat with pus in her empty eye sockets was seen rolling on the concrete – the only movement below the subtle glow of the June moonlight. I called out her name: "Joanna". The neighbours named her that. She survives on food scraps and cat biscuits they feed her with. Being incapable of hunting (though instinctively active at night, being a stray cat) she moves, blindly, rubbing herself against surfaces close by: metal grills, plant pots, pieces of wood, rubbish. Smell memory, no night vision.
She heard my voice and walked towards me. It made a strange gritty noise – perhaps born with a deformed meowing mechanism. Poor poor Joanna. I wanted to talk to her: "Do you feel alone tonight, dear Stray Friend?"
I remember her giving birth to one kitten. Walking to work one day, I saw part of it, rat-sized, hidden behind a group of potted plants. Coming back from work, I noticed it was in the same position. Joanna was smelling it – it was dead, I knew. Joanna couldn't do anything but make that strange gritty meow. The next day when I walked to work, I tried not to look at that area again. I even held my breath.
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| last night |
[16 May 2007|09:53am] |
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music |
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jens lekman - i saw her in the anti war demonstration |
] |
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[09 May 2007|10:23pm] |
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[02 May 2007|10:33pm] |
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| recent smses from different people |
[26 Apr 2007|10:44am] |
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music |
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Canción De Cuna Para El Niño Astronauta |
] |
Amacam? Gue baru habis basuh baju, bapak.
Nanti gue kena cari makan.
Bapak kerja di ofis ya.
Semalam macam mana himbo?
Sejuk di sini dan hujan.
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Rough it up! STAY BADASS!
--
Hope u not choking on
the artificial lavendar!
Haha my mom tot me how 2fold it.
We both r blessed with wonderful parents. :)
good night __ _____
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Propell towards your fire...
Run to what moves you...
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Only ever love with deepest feelings...
Love your whole selves deeply.
Have a good run!
--
Omg, my insecurities are
haunting me now.
Shit. I want to cry.
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Good morning.
Be badass at work!
No matter what way, xox....
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Hey hey...
Stay badass....
At work!
--
Aww .. Breathe deeply
and open up your chest.
Then clear your mind and
think of soft water droplets ...
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Fried rice, digesting slow, uh.
Online, tak ada kawan.
Mana semua. Ee, teruk.
internet, good company. Suka.
--
Yesterday during the review-
my boss asked me what
my career choice is,
i wrote down 'seamstress'.
--
Fuck you, I am thin.
50kg?! Ugh. The nerve!
Don't hide lunacy.
I wear it on my shoulders.
Lunar lunacy! Have fun with ___.
Entah, tetiba rasa kosong.
--
Nak tidur. Said I was Paki
on Irc. Jahat but lukewarm reply.
Bored. Esok, must jog.
Fat Fighters, haha. Ewww
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[13 Apr 2007|01:04am] |
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[11 Apr 2007|09:33pm] |
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music |
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Whitest Boy Alive |
] |
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[03 Apr 2007|11:47am] |
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[15 Feb 2007|12:29am] |
Aina
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[15 Feb 2007|12:04am] |
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music |
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The Observatory - I Didn't See Her |
] |
Amanda
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